Uncategorized, The White Pine Woods

The First Anniversary of My Father’s Suicide

Posted on April 5, 2025 by ariadne

I wasn’t sure if I would end up writing personal posts. But I feel like saying something about this topic and it’s coming spontaneously.

Today is the first anniversary of my father’s suicide.

I actually didn’t know him my whole life until I was twenty or so. My parents were a teenage fling, but I was conceived on purpose because you know, in their teenage wisdom, it would be fun to have a baby.

They broke up when I was a toddler and my dad moved to British Colombia due to heartache. My mom got married and I was adopted by a step-father who was a rowdy Irish man with the fighting spirit of an ancient Celt who loved to get into a rumble any time, in front of me and my sisters or not.

My biological father came back to Ontario when I was a very young adult and had been in my life ever since, not always in person but always a phone call or text away. We had not had any contact my entire childhood and teenage years as my stepfather wouldn’t allow it, so he was always this mysterious figure to me, who I didn’t even know was alive or not.

He was strikingly handsome, unusually good-looking. Six foot three, naturally bright blonde hair and piercing blue eyes. He kind of looked like a mix of Chris Hemsworth, Robert Redford, Alan Jackson but better looking than those guys. He was covered in tattoos and hung out with bad crowds his whole youth and was in and out of jail. But he had a good heart and was a good person who loved animals.

He never had a steady relationship with another woman and never had any other children. He was very insecure and painfully awkward. He was quick to anger and known for his violent temper.

Social scenarios were painful for him. It was obvious his skin was crawling with all the pretend pleasantries. I always felt so bad for him in those scenarios because I could relate and had the same issues socially. But I was really good at pretending to be naturally good at interacting with others. He wasn’t.

Since we connected, I would come with him to family affairs with my biological family whom I had never known. I think he liked having me there for support. And he said he liked to show me off.

His mother, my grandmother was one of the fakest people I have ever met. It was painful to talk to her, so unnatural. She was a devout Catholic school teacher and I remember as a child overhearing my aunt saying that she didn’t accept me because I was born out of wedlock. It must have been true since my biological grandparents lived near me as a child but never tried to be in my life.

Which is totally fine by me.

My father had borderline personality disorder. I didn’t know that until after his death but I could have figured it out. Upon receiving the news of his suicide, I felt the natural thing, guilt. He indicated in his letter that he was lonely and couldn’t take it anymore. Maybe I should have reached out more, but he was difficult to connect with. While he obviously had a physical aversion to socializing, he also couldn’t ease into an authentic existence. He wasn’t the type of person to have a “spiritual” disposition.

I think what my father represents is what happens in a society that has absolutely no grounding, no connection to each other in a more profound outlook on life. We do not experience life in a meaningful way in our time.

The only options my dad saw was Catholicism/Christianity and entertainment/mass media plus life-sucking careers. He rejected both, pursued probably a more exciting criminal life for a while, then after more than a decade of honest work in the trades got profoundly bored and lonely and felt there was nothing else to do. What breaks my heart is the haunting thought that maybe he thought he wasn’t any value to me.

I understand the intense feeling of dread that comes along with our stale, dumbed-down world. Not only that but our increasingly dangerous world, and the constant threat to our livelihoods.

It is truly a battle in this day and age to orient your mind in a way that helps you thrive, let alone have someone to guide you properly. All we have are our minds, ultimately that is what makes us human. We live in a time where there is a war on our minds, our humanity, and that is seen manifested in the high rates of suicide.

I hope one day in the future, human communities will reconstruct healthy rituals for the reverence of life and recover a sense of beauty and wonder that we can connect in as a way to cope with inevitable existential dread.

It is said that the Mystery traditions were participated in by the whole community as a means to develop a fresh perspective and become renewed. The initiates were said to have underwent a transformation, feeling re-vitalized, re-born and no longer had a fear of death. Most adults in Athens participated in the Eleusinian Mysteries regardless of social status and if I’m not mistaken I believe it might have been a requirement for maturity. (I’ll have to find the source of where I got that idea).

I have heard the argument that humanity has gradually degenerated since the Mysteries died. I think it’s true. We no longer have any rites of passage, no rituals to help us gain insight to become fully life-affirming adults.

The writer and initiate Apuleius wrote of his experience in the Mystery cult of Isis – “there came from Isis a light ..”

Maybe the practices were a way of meeting the maker, so to speak, before one fully dies and thereby being able to cope with being alive in a productive and thriving way.

This is what we are sorely lacking today.

May we recover proper visions for humanity, on a sovereign level and restore mental fortitude and clarity and grounding in the thrill and wonder of this existence.

What You Upload to Your Mind Determines What You Think About.

Posted on March 23, 2025 by ariadne

What you give attention to deliberately, during your waking hours will be what your mind puts focus on, even when you’re not intentionally trying to think about anything.

This is not a ground-breaking, novel observation. It’s a simple fact, if you watch how your mind works, that you can use to your advantage.

Many people in our time suffer from unnecessary depression, anxiety, insomnia, relentless grudges and severe anger due to being self-obsessed and easily offended. (Many people don’t use their capacity for anger in a useful way. Indeed, the Stoics observed that those who anger easily at small things, had low intelligence- it is a sign of an uncultivated mind.)

In my personal experience, I use to suffer from these mental states along with insecurity and confusion because I hadn’t yet learned how to shift my awareness. (I still do of course, suffer from these mental states but not as often or intensely.) I think of awareness as the psyche or soul.

I hadn’t yet encountered something, an idea that sparked the desire for me to learn. To learn, as a human on this gloriously beautiful planet, in this mystery of existence in this galaxy, in this universe…

The fact that you have the capacity to learn likely means that’s what you are designed to do. This is why people fall into dismal mental states – because they are not using their minds to learn in a way that could enhance their experience of life and creativity. They are using their minds to focus mostly, or only, on their social life and drama (with other humans who also can’t use their minds) or what to buy or how they will look. They’re not using their humanity properly.

I think this is because they haven’t encountered anything that sparks the desire to learn. And so, when they’re not intentionally thinking about anything or just doing mundane tasks, their awareness is still aligning with these dead-end preoccupations and they’re getting stuck in anxiety or irritability.

I had these thoughts and wrote down these words because often, as I’m doing chores and not trying to think about anything in particular, my mind will sometimes recall beautiful scenes that I’ve encountered in Nature and the feelings that accompany them. For example the reverential feeling of seeing the first Spring ephemerals bloom. I’m familiar with the timing in which different plant species will appear and transform over the seasons because I’ve taken the time to observe and deliberately pay attention to these patterns.

Or, since I’ve been slowly learning astronomy, my mind will seem to randomly remember how a constellation looks. The sparkle of Orion’s belt and nebula … or how beautiful Jupiter has been lately in the horns of the Bull, the constellation of Taurus. I think that most can agree that looking at the stars puts us in a state of awe and wonder and reverence.

It’s these types of things that I want to train my mind to recall more frequently and spontaneously and I think everyone should try to do this too. This is because these are things that are not to do with personal problems or irritations – these are things that help you zoom out from your very small personal world and connect you to the source of life. (We’re always surrounded by the source of life, but it’s whether you deliberately pay attention to it or not).

It’s not strictly raw nature that I pay attention to outside of my personal life – I also am deeply intrigued by human excellence and the ancient world and mystery traditions, which I’m pretty sure evolved their greatness from intense observations in nature and the cosmos.

So, the more that you practice putting things in your mind that are beautiful and wonderful or very intriguing and curious, rooted in the Earth, the cosmos, the more your mind will go there. At least that is how it is for me. I think this is a practice that is healthy and refreshing for the psyche, it helps expand your mind and could potentially lead to more creative, intelligent ideas.

But the spark to learn has to be there, as I mentioned above. Something has to inspire you to desire to learn and expand your awareness outside of your personal turmoil.

“The purpose of life,” said Don Juan “ is to increase awareness.”
Carlos Castaneda, The Fire From Within.

(A book about his supposed apprenticeship with a Yaqui sorcerer in Mexico. I’ve read this book twice and I find it useful in combination with a practice of nature awareness.)

For me, the initial spark to learn about wild plant identification was ironically from being influenced by people on social media. I scarcely use Instagram, Youtube or Facebook anymore. It’s ironic because the more in touch I got with the natural world, the more averse I became to being online and exposing myself to narcissism. However I am grateful that people have posted about the satisfaction they have achieved from learning about foraging, gardening and homesteading. The idea that really struck me was something to the effect of – how can you be a sovereign individual if you don’t even have knowledge of the environment that you live in and how to use it? Also, the idea that women used to be torchbearers of this knowledge in pagan Europe before christianity gradually decimated human intelligence, really inspired me.

And then I discovered the book, Not In His Image which strengthened that desire to learn. I was introduced to the idea that our planet itself is the divinity that designed humanity and that you have a share of that intelligence, and you can improve yourself by sharing power with her, Mother Earth.

The motivation to learn has to feel like a craving, something you strongly desire and enjoy. When I felt the urge to learn about plants, it was never something I felt I should be doing it was something that I really really wanted.

Some resources to help change your awareness and upload beauty and wonder to your mind :

Free Course on Planetary Tantra

Dog Zen | The Woke and the Woof – talk on Youtube

Books:

The Forager’s Harvest : Edible Wild Plants by Samuel Thayer

What the Robin Knows by Jon Young

Not In His Image by John Lash

Six “Spiritual” Perspectives You’ve Never Heard Of.

Posted on December 5, 2024 by ariadne

When it comes to thinking about our so-called spiritual lives or the role of humanity in the cosmos, the narratives and ideas people subscribe to leave them in a fog with no direction. This is so even if they are devout to certain spiritual programs and truly believe that what they follow allows them clarity in their minds.

We are living in a time where the majority do not in fact have a proper vision of humanity, one that leads us to fulfillment or even the desire for excellent achievement. New age “philosophy” leaves us in some kind of wishy washy limbo and Christianity claims to have absolute answers on the nature of the divine which has stunted the growth of humanity for 2,000 years.

In previous stages of my life, I dabbled in both of those paradigms. For those who crave a more profound experience of life, these are the only options that are popularly presented. During those years of my life, a couple of which I regularly attended Christian church on Sundays, I never heard anything that pulled me out of the same old repetitive behaviour, lifestyle and thought patterns. There are of course, banal, generic feel-good tidbits in those paradigms that give a superficial, temporary boost but then most people just revert back to deranged, unproductive or destructive ways.

You would think that spiritual paradigms would provide ideas about what humanity is and why the earth is and why and how we came to be and what to do about it. Keep in mind that these are just ideas and life in the universe is a mystery. However, being a story-telling species with capacities for learning, what we think of ourselves and the mystery matters. The ideas and stories we have about ourselves either inspire us to become more or they make us lazy, scared, depressed or purposeless.

It wasn’t until I read a book called Not in His Image by John Lash that I learned some refreshing and sane ideas about humanity and the cosmos. This book is about the Gnostic message for humanity – how the Gnostics were not a type of Christian movement but in fact, were participants in the Mysteries and heirs to longstanding wisdom and techniques of shamanism and were therefore advanced intellectuals and seers. They tried to guide humanity away from Judeo-Christian faith which they saw as a devastating mental error, and predicted that it would lead humanity astray and into degeneracy.

I’ve read this book four times in entirety and sift through it often. The last time I read it in full, I jotted down this list of my favourite ideas. Things that in my experience, people don’t know of or talk about.

Again, keep in mind that these are just ideas about our scenario on this planet. What matters is if and how they inspire you or not.

1. The religious life of pre-christianity consisted of the conviction that there is something to be known. This is a quote by G.R.S. Mead that stood out to me in the book. Are we put on this planet to follow the rules of and blindly worship one god, or because it pleases the divine forces that we learn and expand? In pagan societies, religious ceremonies and practices were a way of acquiring wisdom and insight by connecting to the divine. Think about the concept of vision quests, experiences one would have to have in order to become an adult. It is said that in the Mystery cults, the initiates were regenerated through their interaction with the divine. Regeneration contrasted to the Christian concept of salvation.

2. We have free-will in order to participate in creating novelty in the cosmos/universe. I’ve heard Christians say we have free-will in order to be tested by god to see if we follow his will. Well, maybe the divine isn’t that demented and insecure. Maybe the divine forces that spring humanity into being do so out of pleasure of creating novelty which will create more novelty. Which brings me to the next point.

3. Morality and innate human generosity are a reflection of the self-less outpouring of the generating powers that spring life into being. Morality does not need to be dictated because goodness and generosity is a given in the universe. The divine forces do not create life out of bad intent. Generosity and pleasure are the forces of life. But then why is there evil in the world?…

4. Evil occurs due to an anomaly when the earth was being formed. It is a cosmic accident. There are no evil forces operating in the universe or in nature. Evil happens strictly because errors continue to go uncorrected. The life-generating force that designed our species accidentally clashed and melded with material in the galactic arms. This cosmic anomaly causes psychic aberrations in humanity and causes us to err more than we would otherwise. (We are supposed to err in order to learn).   According to John Lash, the Gnostics described this event in their texts, including details of a cyborg species that was accidentally produced due to this cosmic anomaly. For a more detailed explanation please see his book, Not in His Image. Sounds crazy, I know. But is it any more crazy than the idea of an evil, demonic force running through the universe and that at the head of all life is a battle between good and evil? Does the claim that there are demonic forces in nature really seem more satisfactory of an explanation? That god allows the devil to operate in our lives as a way to test us, does that seem more sane?

5. Your divine dose is your intelligence. (This is my favourite point). We are not a spark of divinity or divine simply because we are human. Your capacity for intelligence is the divine dose. How you use your intelligence determines how divine you are. The belief that we are innately divine without merit leads to laziness and spiritual narcissism. The divine forces are intelligent – look at nature’s intelligence, beyond our scope of comprehension. You are given a dose of that intelligence.

6. The Earth is the divine entity that designed humanity. Perhaps there are forces at the center of the galaxy and they are the life-generators. Maybe our cosmic designer accidentally became embedded in our planet, and she’s a female – the generating forces are gendered. Again, I learned of this potential scenario through John Lash’s interpretations of the Gnostic texts.The concept of Mother Earth may not be just a metaphor but a physical reality. The Greeks referred to her as Gaia, and the Gnostics called her Sophia. We have all heard of Mother Earth, an idea inherited from ancient times when people could attune better and sense this reality. Perhaps the giant cosmic entity we live on, is like a giant animal who has intentions and emotions of her own. Of course, she is a highly intelligent cosmic force who gave you a dose of her intelligence.
Perhaps observing and learning about nature and the patterns of the moon, stars and planets is a way of attuning to her while at the same time improving yourself and enhancing your awareness. If such a vision of the planet inspired you to learn about the environment that you inhabit and learn about the cosmos, then that would be a way of participating in true science (wildlife biology, botany, astronomy, and anything else that leads from there) and participating in real life in a meaningful, reverential way. It’s actually entirely strange that most people aren’t aware of those things and it’s most likely the reason that most are suffering mentally.

Maybe this vision of the planet is what is needed to enhance proper learning. Not enough humans are learning properly and we are leaving it up to very few people in the world and depending on them for conclusions.

This list is not exhaustive and there are plenty more ideas to learn and be inspired by in that book.

In the title, I put the word spiritual in quotations because I don’t have a better term for the concept. The Stoics claimed that everything has substance, that everything is material. They said this as pagans who acknowledged the Gods and recognized the mind of Nature. John Lash reasserts this concept in his work. If we’re not looking at phenomena as having a physical reality then we might just be engaging in fantastical make-belief. Thinking that things are spiritual (meaning not really there?) could discourage investigation. The idea is that everything, including supernatural events has a material property. Maybe even your “spirit”, your psyche, your awareness has a physical property. You can be a materialist and also recognize divine presence.

Nonetheless, people are living in a time of “spiritual” deprivation and are looking to enhance their experience of life. Maybe proper ideas and stories about what we are is what we need to encourage that experience, attune to divinity and increase our intelligence.

Recommended reading: Not in His Image by John Lash

hello – the first post

Posted on November 12, 2024 by ariadne

This online space was created out of a genuine, personal desire to practice writing. I’m approximately an early middle-aged adult (well, trying to be an adult) and a homeschooling parent to one child. I feel that for most of my life, I have been unclear about what path to take and what to focus on. The modern world has so many options but all so devoid of depth, of meaning.

As a child, I was interested in ancient cultures and the mysterious but that interest was never cultivated. I can remember so well wanting to “have knowledge” but knowledge of what, I couldn’t define. I also remember very well as a child that feeling, when being in nature, that caused you to dream and believe that something exciting was going to happen.

I remember it now because I can feel that again after having regained it when I was 29 years old due to a sudden, obsessive interest in wild plant identification. That interest, which was a calling to connect with Nature, the Source, completely changed my behaviour, my habits and perspective of being alive. And my perspective continues to evolve and expand.

From teenage years into all of my 20’s I suppose I was dulled down, sufficiently brainwashed by pop culture and common narratives. I was self-destructive and had no mental clarity or direction. However, in spite of that, my desire for higher learning still had some strength as I managed to complete an undergraduate degree in Philosophy and Politics, with honours all while being a server for a high-end catering company. I then was accepted to pursue a master’s degree in philosophy to two different universities but I declined in realization that these supposed “institutions of higher learning” are for the most part centres for brainwashing and do not at all foster true realization or education. I don’t hold high value in my degree. After four years in “academia” I still could not write very well and my reading comprehension was very poor. I’m learning to cultivate the latter on my own accord, through my own desire.

So now, I’m picking up my original inclination in pursuit of a more profound experience of life. Although, taking on the responsibility of being a full-time parent (it is literally all of the time – this is why most parents prefer to work than raise their own children, its easier and you get more time to yourself) opportunities to read and write are sparse. But I do try to make it count when I can.

FESTINA LENTE.

If I had to make a list of words to describe what topics interest me it would be:

– Philosophy (the love of Wisdom, the divine entity whose body we live on)
– Nature
– animism
– beauty
– ancient cultures and mythology
– personal power
– the mind
– human purpose and potential
– life in general and the expansion of awareness through true learning

If you took the time to read this, thank you, and I hope that you found it relatable.